How do I heal from a sexual trauma?
Dear John,
Thank you for this opportunity for healing.
How do I heal from a sexual trauma? This person was supposed to be my safe haven - my biological father. At the time, he was my most favorite person.
I’ve noticed that I pick men like him. It makes me feel dirty because he did such disgusting things to me.
Is it okay for me to pick men that remind me of my biological father and if not how do I not pick them? We always had fun, connected deeply, etc. This incident happened 23 years ago and I am just unpacking it now.
All my best,
Trying
Dear Trying,
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and courage to explore this question. I recently completed a 6-part series exploring the unexpected consequences of sexual abuse involving a parent/guardian. The series can be found at dearjohnmd.com/stories between 11/14/21 to 12/19/21 and may help lay the foundation for deepening your understanding of your traumatic lived experience and the legacy of patterns it can create. I have attached the links below for your convenience:
Healing from sexual trauma, or any trauma for that matter, is a process of initiation, regulation, and integration. This is big work, and often requires the guidance of skilled professionals. This may be uncharted territory for yourself, but it is work that has been done by countless survivors of such abuse. Your story and lived experience is very personal; no one else has gone through your unique set of circumstances. But, there are universal truths and skills to help you navigate this in a way where you can be free from the patterns and maladaptive coping skills necessary for you to have survived such violations as a child.
It is no simple task to initiate this work. Initiation starts with awareness - knowing that you were abused. Knowing that you survived sexual abuse can create awareness hell: a state in which you feel paralyzed or self-critical because you know you need help, but can’t figure out how to get the help you need. The antidote is usually twofold: self-compassion and guidance. Self-compassion helps to unburden the cycle of self-judgment and criticism so you don’t harm yourself further. Guidance is the act of humbly seeking and asking for help from a skilled professional. There is an incredible resource, The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis that can help you develop the language to better understand your trauma and lived experiences. Developing the proper language and understanding of your lived experience is essential to clearly work through your trauma, help you to understand the boundaries you need to heal, and avoid the risks of retraumatization as you open up these old wounds. Apart from this book, other resources that would be incredibly helpful and supportive are therapists who specialize in sexual abuse and trauma-informed care. Another tool would be local support groups in your area. Both of these tools would help nurture your sense of connection and trust to yourself and others. If trauma is created in relationships, it is vitally important to heal it in relationships.
Regulation involves doing the work. As you move through your sexual abuse history, it is important to understand your triggers - stressors or stimuli that throw your body into fight, flight, freeze or submit. It is unopposed sympathetic nervous system as a result of fear or terror. When experiencing trauma, it is common to dissociate from yourself so you can survive the event. Some people go numb, some blackout, others feel like they leave their body - it is different for everyone, but there are common themes. The problem with traumatic dissociation is, while it helps you live through the traumatic experience, it creates memories or experiences in your life that are not associated with your historical timeline. What that means is, when you are triggered by something that reminds you of your abuse, e.g. a smell, situations, words, partners, etc, it can feel like you are reliving your abuse in the present moment. Your body will go into a dysregulated fear-based response as if you were being abused in the here and now. Regulation involves understanding and labeling those triggers so you can avoid the dysregulated state. The regulated space where you can learn tools and understand your triggers is called your window of tolerance. When you are dysregulated, e.g. fight or flight, freeze or submit, you are outside of your window of tolerance, flooded, and unable to work through the relived trauma. Working with a professional can help you to name your triggers, increase your window of tolerance, and learn new tools to stay regulated as you work through your sexual trauma.
Integration, the final part of the work,...to be continued next week
With love and light,
John Moos, MD