How do I take back control?
Dear John,
A little about me to frame this whole thing. I am 60 years old, I live in Maine, where alcohol is available on every street corner and grocery store. It is a constant temptation. I have family members that also have drinking issues. I have had more life trauma than most and I know that has left deep scars for me.
My current concern is- I have tried many times to stop drinking. I can't string together two days. I have a job (changed differently now) due to my drinking and the damage that it has done to my confidence and self esteem.
I have never had a DUI or been arrested. I don't go out and drink in bars anymore (did when I was younger). I drink at home only. I don't keep alcohol in my house because I can't control myself once I start. I do however stop every day after work and buy wine. I drink a bottle (sometimes two) each night. I do have some blackouts where I can't remember the night before when I wake up.
I desperately want to be alcohol free and start focusing on having a more positive enjoyable life. Yesterday on my way to work, I vowed and prayed I would not stop on my way home and buy a bottle. I thought about it all day long and kept repeating the desire and pledge to stop drinking.
However, when I was driving home it was like my car was on autopilot and before I knew it, I was buying wine.
I have not gone to AA, I have tried WFS, an online support group for women. I need to stop this self destructive cycle and learn self love. The self loathing that goes along with this illness is non- relenting. Remorse and guilt.
How do I take that step and take back the control that alcohol has over me?
Regards,
Tempted and Trying
Dear Tempted and Trying,
It sounds like you are clear on what you want, i.e. a life without alcohol. But, the habit and compulsion to drink is stronger than your will power at this point. Your situation and struggle is very familiar as I was an alcoholic. Some may say that I am an alcoholic in recovery, but I find that I relate more to the label of being a former addict as I choose not to be defined by a narrow label or my darkest struggles. However you choose to see or label yourself is your choice - what is important to cultivate is a language around your choices, examine the nature of your relationship with the substance or behavior, and be humble enough to seek help from those who have been in similar situations.
Alcoholism and addiction can manifest in many ways. You can be addicted to substances, e.g. alcohol, drugs, food, etc., or to behaviors, e.g. shopping, pornography, sex, work, etc. Dr. Gabor Mate defines addiction as having 3 distinct qualities: 1) craving the addictive substance or behavior, 2) engaging in the addictive substance or behavior to experience pleasure or relief from pain; and 3) the inability to stop the substance or behavior. Based on this criteria, it sounds like you have an addictive relationship with alcohol.
Alcoholism can present in many ways. I was a mix of many types: the social drinker, the obnoxious drunk, the sophisticated drinker who learned about beer, wine and spirits to impress, the party animal, the day drinker, the drink to forget or numb, and many more. I always thought I was different because I was “functional,” didn’t require eye-openers, and wasn’t a cirrhotic in end-stage liver disease. But, the fact of the matter was, I spent an inordinate amount of time preoccupied with thinking about alcohol, reminding myself not to drink, justifying why I could drink, counting how many drinks I could have, wondering when I would have my next drink, where it would be, what it would be, and my personal favorite - trying to convince myself how or when I could drive when impaired to not get in trouble for drinking too much. I had several people talk to me about my drinking. I rolled my car after drinking underage in college, luckily only hurting myself and totaling my car. I avoided at least 2 DUI charges, was arrested 2 times for being drunk in public, and spent many nights blacked out or sleeping with random people, while single, in relationships, and married. I thought putting better parameters around my drinking would help, but I always found ways to bend the rules or create an exception. It wasn’t until my life imploded after getting caught having innumerable affairs that I was in enough pain to admit I had a problem, both with drinking and my relationship with sex.
Admitting I had a problem was the single most important step to recovery…to be continued next week.
With love and light,
John Moos, MD