Did you use AA to get sober? Part 2
Follow-up question continued from last week…
Dear John,
Yes, I find it therapeutic. I am a veterinarian that specializes in emergency and critical care. I got a couple of DUIs and then missed a day of work due to intoxication. So, that was my breaking point. I didn't lose my job or license but I was exposed. I knew I had to change. I contemplated rehab but I was a daily drinker so I needed something I could do everyday. I got a great sponsor and things were great. I really found the program beneficial until people began taking advantage of me. I guess I allowed that? Then, I met this guy in the rooms. Red flags were there but I am an empath. I thought oh how nice I am sober now I met someone. He wanted emotional support and "friendship" but not a relationship. He had been so hurt in the past he couldn't give his heart out. And I became the problem because he never wanted anything but some sort of ally. I finally realized he was a narcissist.
I just didn't know that people like that existed I guess. Naive I know! My dad was an alcoholic and a narcissist so I guess I am attracted to those. Anyway, now, how do I trust anyone in there other than my sponsor? Sorry for the long text!
Dear Recovering,
Thank you for this additional information. To give you a quick resource, I posted recently on my website about when it's too early to share and be vulnerable. There may be some nuggets here that are helpful:
When is too soon to be vulnerable - Part 1
When is too soon to be vulnerable - Part 2
One thing to remember, as you are getting sober and in recovery, is to make sure you rebuild your foundation first before you start tending to others. I am a major empath (a pisces + number 2 enneagram), so I get it. It was always easier for me to take care of others instead of working on myself, but that kept me in a codependent dynamic. It also meant that the energy I could be using to restore my wholeness was going out to other people. At the end of the day, we only have so much energy and time to expend. If we are giving it to others, it may feel good, but it is often a distraction to keep us from facing what is uncomfortable within us. I know that was the case for me. It also fed my self-deceit and illusion that I was a good person because I was “giving” so much. The reality for me was, I used giving and “selfless” acts to feel better about myself. It was my own form of narcissism, needing validation and recognition to meet the conditions of my giving. AA and SAA are filled with people trying to undo the patterns of their pasts and create healthier relationships with themselves and the outside world. It is also a group of imperfect humans, struggling with their own traumatic lived experiences, with a variety of resources to support them. Some may be in the rooms as a condition of probation, contracts to live in a sober-living, or forced to be there by loved ones. My point is, not everyone is fully intent on releasing their addictive tendencies and do the long, arduous work of working through the steps and becoming whole. Sponsors and therapists often recommend not getting into a relationship for 6+ months once you’re newly sober. You are raw, susceptible, oftentimes our love cups are empty - it only takes a little love and affection to start to fill that cup up and convince you that you’ve found a soulmate. For myself, I practiced complete celibacy/abstinence for a year and half. This was ensured through polygraph testing and consistent therapy. Eventually, I needed to reconnect with my body, understand my impulses, and learn to regulate myself. Only when I was whole, was I ready to date someone. This is what it took for me to truly find myself, my intimacy, and a healthy sense of sexuality.
You will start to trust others, when you learn to trust yourself. If you focus on yourself and your healing journey, the clarity, intuition (soul guidance), and answers will come. You will learn to love yourself first, and a supportive partner will fit into your life that supports the best versions of each other. And, don’t beat yourself up if you get it wrong. Life is about learning, growing, and finding meaning. There is no bad relationship, just an opportunity and a teacher. If you find that you are making the same mistakes over and over, take a break and seek outside counsel. There is a lot of wisdom out there to lean into, and I am more than happy to offer my experience and wisdom, learned and earned.
With love and light,
John Moos, MD