Did you use AA to get sober?

Dear John,

I am a recovering alcoholic and I have been in AA. I have found some of the members to be predators in the rooms. I am having trouble dealing with that. I was wondering if you used AA to get sober?

Dear Recovering,

I'm happy to hear that you are in recovery and prioritizing your sobriety. I'm also saddened to hear about your experience with AA. There unfortunately is a subculture of people who bring their character defects into the rooms of AA. Yes, there are people who take advantage of others, exploit vulnerability and rawness, and those who don't stop their codependency and/or abuse of themselves and others. AA is a program with a set of tools run by people, and attended by people, who can be gravely flawed. With that being said, there are also incredible people living exemplary and aspirational lives. I attended AA during my earlier years - it served as a great example to learn introspection, accountability, and humility (along with intensive therapy and my time spent in rehab). It was a great place for fellowship and meeting like-minded individuals in a judgment-free zone (mostly). I also used Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) to address my lying and infidelities, which helped me lean into a deeper level of accountability and integrity. I worked specifically with a trauma-informed sexologist, which as fun as it sounds, was an extremely uncomfortable process. The rigor was exponentially more intense than standalone therapy or 12-step work, and helped me to transcend my addictions with a renewed integrity. Right around 2 years, I left the rooms of 12-step because of personal concerns with self-limiting beliefs and adages echoed in the rooms of AA that I found counterproductive to my growth and development. I also got tired of people telling me I was a relapse waiting to happen when I wasn't consistent with weekly meetings. I didn’t need people projecting their judgments onto me when I knew in my heart that I was building a solid foundation, prioritizing myself, my sobriety, and my family in healthy ways. I had 2 kids from separate marriages and a full time job as a surgeon. It wasn't easy making weekly meetings, but I attended when I could - and it helped. 

Comparing AA to SAA, I’d say SAA was a much more intense experience requiring uncompromising transparency and accountability in my humble opinion. Regardless of how effective a tool is, e.g. 12-step, therapy, rehab, etc. there will always be human beings in the room with the imperfections. Your safety and trust in the people and environment is requisite to you being able to be open, authentic and vulnerable about your personal struggles. One thing is crystal clear - if you don’t feel safe, you shouldn’t be there. Period! You have to be in an environment where there is trust and commitment to the collective good of you all. Trust happens when your fellow peers care about your outcome as much as they care about their own. If someone is praying on you, they care only about their own outcome, which is the definition of selfishness and not an ideal setup for you to drop into vulnerability and transparency. I am not sure what your geographical opportunities or constraints are, but there are usually more than one meeting in certain areas. If driving a short distance to a bigger city is an option, you can try those rooms as well. If you find that all of the rooms you are walking into are problematic, it may be safer to work with an individual therapist first to help you build your foundation and learn to erect ironclad boundaries when in the rooms. It is not easy work, but well worth it.

Follow-up question from Recovering coming next week…

With love and light,

John Moos, MD