How can I let go of my past? Part 2
Dear John,
Not sure how this works…I saw you on Tik Tok sharing your story with such vulnerability and willingness to own your past in order to let go, that it brought me to tears. So much of what you said mirrors my own life. I’m fast approaching 45, and I’d like to release the past too. It’s just…HOW?? Regardless of my success, I still can’t enjoy it, for fear of losing it, and I’ve sabotaged nearly every relationship I’ve been in, romantic and otherwise. Never mind the damage I’ve done to my reputation over the years. I work in medicine too, and although I’m in industry now, some poor choices of the past have continued to haunt me.
First step guidance? Thanks, and bless you!
Continued from last week…
The past is there for us to learn and grow, which is why I try to avoid characterizing or labeling past experiences as good or bad, right or wrong. As humans, we are meaning-making animals. It is our super power, a gift, and what integration is all about. Integration allows us to explore, accept, and transmute our past, our pain, into a meaningful life experience. You cannot find meaning in the meaningless. If there is meaning, wisdom or knowledge to be mined from our lived experiences, then it is our duty to do it if we want to show up whole, embodied and empowered in our lives.
All of this may not be intuitive or easy, but it is important to develop the skills, the behaviors, and the discipline to grow. If you don’t know where to look or who to ask, look to the people who have what you want, who have been what you’ve been through, or have the skills and credentials to support your process. The outcome of your life will always be a battle between your new discipline and your old habits. As you let go of and integrate your past, you will start to see a new person in the mirror. At one point, I remember feeling as though I was hardly recognizable compared to the wounded, victimized, addicted version of myself.
When I was newly sober, I had to return to my job as a clinical surgeon at Keck School of Medicine of USC. This was where I spent 8 of my most self-destructive years drinking, fucking, lying, hurting, and posturing. I have to say, it was absolutely terrifying returning. Word had gotten out about some of my affairs, it was clear I was no longer at work during my 2 months of rehab, and when I returned, I was not the same person nor did I want to be. My reputation and character felt utterly destroyed and I was haunted by the consequences of my poor choices. Nevertheless, I had to return as I needed the income and I had to complete my contract. Surprisingly, it was a gift in and of itself.
There were several things that helped me transition and remain in my position for the next 7 months. One, I stopped the internal struggle and chaos that had me drinking and acting out with women to cope. Two, I built a strong foundation of sobriety and support to help me deal with the challenges as they arose. Three, I released toxic relationships that would have otherwise had me drunk, in bars, searching for women to hit on and sleep with. Four, I learned to establish fierce boundaries and was accountable for those boundaries with my therapists and sobriety group. Five, I practiced discretion on what I choose to share and with whom. Six, I attempted to and made amends to those people whom I hurt. Seven, I courageously owned my story, my pain, when it was appropriate. All of these were incredible learning opportunities for me to incorporate into my life. It was not the easy path, but it was ultimately the path that led to my greatest personal growth and allowed me to walk with my head up, with character, with integrity.
Hopefully this provides some insight into my path, which is unique to my personal journey, but contains many universal truths. It was not an easy path, and it was not a quick fix. The road was difficult, the obstacles were formidable, and there were many times I thought I would be destroyed by the weight of the pain and suffering. I wasn’t. This is the Hero’s Journey. If you are unfamiliar, please look up Joseph Campbell. Discovery, growth, expansion, and transformation are all parts of the evolutionary process. As Dr. Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park says,”...evolution has taught us, it's that life will not be contained. Life breaks free. It expands to new territories. It crashes through barriers painfully, maybe even dangerously…” This is all part of your evolution. Just as it may feel uncomfortable, maybe even violent or dismantling, it can also be beautiful, transformative and awe-inspiring. The more you can lean into your truth, moving through the discomfort, the more you will start to experience a newfound freedom and spaciousness. You are exactly where you need to be.
With love and light,
John Moos, MD