How do I forgive with grace?
Dear John,
First and foremost, I am so grateful to have found you both here and on TikTok. I love the work you’re doing here. As someone who deeply loves an alcoholic who is currently in recovery (just hit 3 months sober), I find myself struggling with letting go of events from the past and moving forward with hope rather than anxiety. Anger, resentment, and other negative emotions pop up daily. Any advice on how to give grace and more importantly, forgiveness? I know how beautiful our life together can be - I’ve experienced it firsthand during the periods of sobriety - but multiple relapses have left me exhausted and resentful. I’ve dabbled in al-anon and it’s not for me. Any thoughts or advice is more than appreciated. Much love 🖤
Dear Finding Grace,
Thank you so much for reaching out. I wrote earlier this year about this exact topic, “How do I take care of myself with an addicted partner? Part 1” and “How do I take care of myself with an addicted partner? Part 2”. The simplest answer for this complicated situation is: you have to prioritize and take care of yourself. As Glennon Doyle says in her book Untamed, “I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.” If you find yourself in a relationship that has you beleaguered, worn down, angry, resentful, and/or abandoning yourself - you have a choice to make. You and your emotional well-being or your partner and their potential. Perhaps the kick your partner needs to be and stay sober is you choosing your well-being and leaving the relationship.
Sobriety is no easy task. There are so many moments of renewal, unfettered joy, grace, and beauty, but those moments are earned by walking through the shit and re-feeling all of the repressed and unexpressed emotions that addicts have numbed for too long. Anger, rage, grief, sadness, longing, regret - they are all fair game. They can come subtly or like a 10-ton truck without brakes. When I stopped numbing, I started feeling. It was not always pleasant, and to be quite honest was often painful, but entirely necessary to accepting all parts of my life, the good, the bad and the messy. This acceptance of my emotions allowed me to recognize myself as entirely human, helping me to separate myself from the choices I made. This is the very essence of shame. Before, I was a bad person. After, I was a person who made bad choices. This separation and distinction helped me to create the space to heal and integrate my pains, my traumas, and become whole without the weight of my shame fueling my internal self-deceit. This work on its own is difficult enough. Managing an intimate relationship and relapsing through recovery only compound the degree of difficulty of both. There are many inner- and interpersonal dynamics at play, and your partner will need to be adequately resourced to show up in a way that doesn’t continue to hurt you. But, ultimately, it is your responsibility to not abandon yourself.
Neither you nor I can tell your partner how to get and stay sober. They can be shown the path, but they have to choose to walk it. The only person you can control is yourself. Your relationship is an opportunity for your partner to practice and work their sobriety. If they can’t prioritize it over their addictive tendencies, you have to make the necessary choices to self-protect. This may not be what you want to hear, but it may be what you need to hear. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved…to be continued next week.
With love and light,
John Moos, MD