How do I forgive with grace? Part 2
Dear John,
First and foremost, I am so grateful to have found you both here and on TikTok. I love the work you’re doing here. As someone who deeply loves an alcoholic who is currently in recovery (just hit 3 months sober), I find myself struggling with letting go of events from the past and moving forward with hope rather than anxiety. Anger, resentment, and other negative emotions pop up daily. Any advice on how to give grace and more importantly, forgiveness? I know how beautiful our life together can be - I’ve experienced it firsthand during the periods of sobriety - but multiple relapses have left me exhausted and resentful. I’ve dabbled in al-anon and it’s not for me. Any thoughts or advice is more than appreciated. Much love 🖤
Continued from last week…
Neither you nor I can tell your partner how to get and stay sober. They can be shown the path, but they have to choose to walk it. The only person you can control is yourself. Your relationship is an opportunity for your partner to practice and work their sobriety. If they can’t prioritize it over their addictive tendencies, you have to make the necessary choices to self-protect. This may not be what you want to hear, but it may be what you need to hear. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved. And, you can't risk your well-being trying to save someone else's. If, by the time you read this, your partner has genuinely changed, decided to end his suffering, and has prioritized his sobriety - that is great. An excellent source for understanding and undergoing forgiveness is The Book of Forgiveness by Desmond Tutu. I wrote about this in a post on Oct, 24, 2021, “Finding happiness and living through love? Part 2” Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, but safety and trust are required to create the conditions for it to be authentic.
When you’re in the eye of the storm, trudging from relapse to relapse, it is hard to think or see clearly. When you’re in survival mode, your brain doesn’t function due to the unopposed sympathetic stimulation, e.g. fight or flight, adrenaline, cortisol/stress, etc. It’s a non-thinking environment; it’s a reactive, survival environment. Perhaps some time away would serve you well to gain perspective and get clear on what it is you need - not the you that is tending to your relationship or your partner, but the you that is nurturing your best version of yourself.
Your partner’s sobriety has to be their conscious choice and it can’t be contingent on your support. That is the very definition of codependency and an unhealthy expectation to put on you. It is easy to get caught in the dance of codependency, adopting the role of savior when you see a victim, but it's a depleting, constricting dynamic and a tough one to break. Their abstinence from alcohol is not the same as sobriety - there are plenty of dry drunks who are still in the same abusive cycles and can no longer blame the drink, drug, or behavior of choice. They need to find a way to tap into the unprocessed, unexpressed trauma that is fueling their addictive tendencies. Whether that be through therapy, 12-step groups, support groups, psychedelic-assisted therapies, or unconventional means -
If Al-Anon is not for you, it's important to find and talk with friends you can trust. It can be challenging to parse out and name all of the components that you are managing and analyzing internally, and on three different timelines: the past, present, and future. Try different meetings, friends, or a skilled therapist so you can talk openly and honestly about your relationship. This can help you process it all in a healthy way. Your examination and response to ask for help is spot on and incredibly courageous. You’re doing all the right things and you're exactly where you need to be. Life only gives us what we can handle, and you are capable beyond measure. I trust you, but more importantly, be sure to trust yourself.
With love and light,
John Moos, MD