How do I take care of myself with an addicted partner?
Dear John,
My boyfriend of 3 years is a recovering alcoholic, and he just started his AA journey about a year ago. He has relapsed a couple times, one time after 3 months, and one time after 6 months of sobriety. I knew intuitively each time he relapsed, but he lied to me about it, and made me feel like I was crazy, until I had actual proof of it. This has caused a lot of hurt and drama between us. I love him very much and can see his incredible potential, if only he can get through this. Do you have any advice for me in navigating this situation, and how I can best support him while also taking care of myself?
Dear Concerned Partner,
I can empathize deeply with what you are experiencing. I was fortunate in my recovery to have hit bottom hard and stayed committed wholeheartedly to my sobriety from that point onward. However, I have known many friends in recovery who’ve experienced debilitating relapses, some of whom struggled to the very end, eventually losing their lives. These struggles are heartbreaking, especially when they involve the people we love the most. With addiction, and recovery, I cannot tell you what will work. I can share my experience and let you know the factors that fueled my addictive behaviors, many of which tend to be universal.
In order to shift the discussions on addiction, it is important to reframe the conversation to a trauma-informed perspective. For many years in the past, and currently, it is widely thought that addiction is a “choice.” There is some truth to this, but it is a narrow perspective. As a former addict, I made all of my choices and faced all of the consequences. However, in the grip of addiction, navigating past traumas and avoiding existential shame and pain, it didn’t feel like I had a choice. For many individuals, pre-verbal and developmental traumas set the stage for a life of addictive behaviors, trying to salve old wounds that may not even be in our conscious awareness. Many leading physician/scientists are trying to reshape our thinking around trauma, neurodevelopmental biology, addiction and attachment, e.g. Gabor Mate, MD, Judson Brewer, MD, PhD, Peter Levine, PhD, Bruce Perry, MD, PhD, Gordon Neufeld, PhD, Dan Siegel, MD, Resmaa Menakem, and many others. Addictive behaviors are a temporary solution to a pain. Dr. Gabor Mate has developed a course, Compassionate Inquiry, which starts by reframing the question, “why the addiction?” to “why the pain?” This subtle shift is enough to dive below the surface defenses and touch the core of our deepest wounds when we allow it. Bruce Perry, MD, PhD, has been featured on Oprah and recently released a book that reads like a conversation between these two thought leaders, What Happened To You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. This important piece of work helps to reframe the idea that we are flawed, broken, or defective people, but rather survivors of a wide range of traumatic experiences, many that occur before we have any conscious awareness, with a wide variety of coping strategies, both constructive and deconstructive. If anyone would like to explore this more, please let me know.
Early in my recovery, I went to both Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). I was a “stepper” or a “12-stepper,” which refers to the 12 steps of recovery that are taught in these groups. They are a recipe for success, no doubt. However, they are only as effective as we are honest with ourselves. Self-deceit is a powerful force, and unless we are rigorously honest with ourselves, we will tuck shame, excuses, and fear away into the dark recesses of our lives. I could not restore my integrity without walking through the lies, shame, pain, and suffering I had caused. Baring my soul raw required accountability, insight and humility in an authentic way.
To be continued next week…
With love and light,
John Moos, MD