How do I take care of myself with an addicted partner? Part 2

Dear John,

My boyfriend of 3 years is a recovering alcoholic, and he just started his AA journey about a year ago. He has relapsed a couple times, one time after 3 months, and one time after 6 months of sobriety. I knew intuitively each time he relapsed, but he lied to me about it, and made me feel like I was crazy, until I had actual proof of it. This has caused a lot of hurt and drama between us. I love him very much and can see his incredible potential, if only he can get through this. Do you have any advice for me in navigating this situation, and how I can best support him while also taking care of myself?

Continued from last week…

One of the most important lessons I learned during intensive therapy while in rehab was this: all addictive behaviors stem from a disorder of integrity. Integrity can mean how honest you are with yourself and others. It can also refer to the state of being whole, undivided, and fully integrated. Addictions don’t happen in a vacuum. There are always traumas in one’s early life that predispose people to addictive tendencies and behaviors. Trauma does not occur because something bad happens to you; it occurs because something bad happens to you and you are, or feel, alone. There is a saying, “trauma isn’t what happens to you, it is what you are left with.” When trauma occurs, it is often too painful to experience or process so your mind dissociates from the experience as a survival instinct. However, without the right tools or people to help us reintegrate those experiences and pieces, we will remain fragmented, dis-integrated, and compartmentalized. Boxing, hiding, labeling, avoiding, and numbing our feelings or experiences become viable ways of coping because we’ve learned to do this in the past and it worked. This is the foundation of dis-integration or fragmentation that makes sobriety and recovery work so difficult. Drugs, alcohol, and addictive, distracting behaviors also become enticing options to avoid the pain and/or difficult work of recovery. I love Julie Holland’s, MD, PhD, description of addiction in her book, Good Chemistry, “you can never get enough of something that almost works.” Treating the symptoms without addressing the root causes of trauma will inevitably fail. This is the aptly named “white-knuckling” or “dry-drunk” phase because externally the individual isn’t drinking, but their behaviors and tendencies haven’t changed. It doesn’t matter how strong you make the walls of a house if the foundation is compromised - it will eventually collapse.

With respect to your boyfriend and his continued relapses, struggling with addiction and recovery isn’t a reason to abandon someone. You cannot prevent anyone from hitting their bottom and it is deeply compassionate to be there to lift a loved one up. There is a common saying in 12-step, “your bottom is when you stop digging.” And, while you cannot prevent him from hitting bottom, you have a responsibility to yourself to establish boundaries so you don’t land with him. Sometimes the most compassionate choice to make is preventing yourself from being hurt or drowning with your partner. His repeated relapsing and lying is a form of abuse and trauma, especially the gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone sequentially and consistently negates and erodes your intuition and instincts. This happens every time your intuition senses that something is off and he lies to protect his deceptive, compartmentalized life. This is particularly detrimental because it teaches you to ignore your gut instincts and intuition, forcing your head, heart and gut out of alignment. It starts to blur the lines between what is real and what is a lie. No relationship is worth you compromising yourself or your self-trust. A boundary can look like you giving him the space to establish his recovery without allowing yourself to be hurt. It can look like an ultimatum, but it is not, when done with clarity, kindness and grace. It is the ultimate form of self-compassion, self-protection and strength.

You mentioned you can see his potential and that you love him. I would encourage you to be willing to release any expectations of the future and take inventory of what is occurring in the present. Sometimes love looks like giving space instead of bringing closer. You have to love yourself more than your partner to avoid the wounded dance of codependency. Your well-being, safety, and sanity has to take primacy to his, especially if he is compromised and struggling to restore his own integrity. In a codependency dynamic, you will give endlessly to your partner and the relationship until you are depleted and drained. There is a reason in safety briefings on airplanes that flight attendants instruct you to put on your oxygen mask first. Your safety has to be the priority. Do not fall victim to the dreaded drama triangle (The Power of Ted), playing one of the roles of savior, victim, or perpetrator. Embracing the role of creator is the only off-ramp from the path of drama. When you choose yourself first in a loving and wholehearted way, the outflowing of love that emanates is the medicine this world needs.

I empathize deeply with the situation you are in. There is no easy answer, but I trust you to make the right one for yourself. Stay in the relationship for those moments of love and possibility, but risk the gaslighting, abuse, and suffering. Erect boundaries to self-protect, give him the space to hit bottom, and you risk feelings of guilt and abandonment. You may be blamed, criticized, and judged. Your partner is compromised and in need of help. Enabling him to continue his abusive patterns is not helping him take ownership of his life or you to find stability and safety. He has to be the captain of his ship, no matter how much you want to take the wheel and know how to navigate him back to safe shores. And, while this may be one individual’s question, I am certain it rings true to so many grappling in the arms of addiction. Don’t hesitate to reach out. I wish you all the strength, compassion, and courage to stand firmly and confidently in your truth.

With love and light,

John Moos, MD