Is what I am doing criminal?

Written By John Moos

Dear John,

My daughter is 16, dating a boy who’s turning 20 in a month. He drives a muscle car and lives with a roommate. My daughter who is sometimes mature beyond her years, wise beyond her years, is also emotionally a 16 year old.

The thing is, I trust her!! I feel ok with it. I met him and feel she can do worse. My wife says that seeing a boy over 18 should be a hard no. I’m judged by my friends for allowing this. But I’m not actually even second guessing my decision. But I do wonder if that’s being a bad father? Should I not allow this? I know what he’s doing is technically criminal. Is what I’m doing criminal for condoning it?

Dear Trusting Dad,

I love this question on so many levels. First, an anecdote. The first time I met my fiance, she created an inaccurate impression of who I was - she thought I was a biker. I was wearing a short sleeve shirt, distressed jeans, and had tattoos covering my arms. She could have written me off then and there based on my outward appearance or circumstances, but there was enough to keep us both engaged and intrigued. Fortunately, it paid off.

I have been judged by my appearance throughout my life. I was teased and bullied as a kid for looking different - I was a Mexican-American boy living in a predominately white suburban city. As an adolescent, I was lost and confused with my identity, wearing pants too big, talking in incoherent slang English, and appropriating cultures that were not mine. Teachers, coaches, parents and peers constantly judged me. As an adult, I eventually decided to cover my body with tattoos while concomitantly working as a surgeon, one of the most conservative professions around. In love, I met and fell in love with a woman who is almost nine years older than me, highly successful, and fiercely loved and protected by her family, friends, and community. My intentions were called into question, I was looked at suspiciously, and I was dismissed and disregarded in the early days by people close to her. I have been met with preconceived notions much of my life, but have always been willing to accept that risk for the sake of my self-expression, and ultimately my self-discovery. Once people got to know me, they realized that my outward appearance was not an affront to them, but rather an extension of my personality and commitment to finding and expressing my authentic self. Getting lost is part of the journey, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without those life experiences to look back on.

With all of that being said, I don’t know your daughter’s boyfriend’s story. I can empathize with him and the judgements he likely faces. I also don’t know your daughter, but can empathize with any judgments she likely faces as well. He is 20 and she is 16, yet both of them are still subject to the developing adolescent mind. Adolescence isn’t confined to the “teen years,” but rather ranges from ages 12 to 24, and is a pivotal time for kids to separate from their parents. Separation from parents doesn’t have to look like reckless rebellion; it takes many forms. At its healthiest, it is a supported and beautiful act of individuation. At its worst, it is a hell-bent rebellion with significant personal and collateral damage. It is an art to support your child’s autonomy while also keeping and maintaining healthy boundaries and guardrails for their safety. There are incredible authors and resources for those who want to do a deep dive on parenting this age group and better understand their inner experience - see below.

To be continued...check back next week for Part 2 of this exploration.

With love and light,

John Moos, MD

Resources:

John Moos
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