When is too soon to be vulnerable? Part 2
Dear John,
How do you define the difference between showing all my cards and being vulnerable?
I am an open book and share so much about myself early on when I feel like it’s a safe space to then ultimately being [sic] judged in the end. When is too soon to be vulnerable in a relationship/friendship? (Part 2)
Continued from last week...
You need to feel safe in order to trust completely. I have shared and repeated this saying time and time again, “if you are a human being, you cannot get through this life without physical or emotional scars.” You will suffer traumas and wounding, eventually erecting the necessary protections, i.e. guarding and armor to shield your heart, your vulnerabilities, and your essence. If you've been on this planet long enough, you inevitably have been around someone whom you thought was trustworthy who eventually violated your trust. It is a painful experience, but not insurmountable. I tend to believe that all human beings are inherently good with different life histories, traumas, obstacles, coping mechanisms and patterns. It takes courage, grit and discipline to work through that wounding, but it is imperative to move through it in order to live free and untethered from your past experiences and the resulting patterns. Knowing this can be helpful to deepening your empathy bridge to others, but it does not mean you need to condone hurtful behavior if you are being judged, criticized or rejected.
As I mentioned before, you need to be clear on your intentions on why you are showing your cards. Is it from a place of feeling complete and open to share? Or is it from a place of needing something in return? Only you can answer this question, and the power of self-deceit is strong if we are unwilling to look at our own patterns and life context. There is no rush and life isn’t a race. Take as much time as you need to trust yourself, to know yourself, and to love yourself before partnering with others. A question of reflection I often ask myself is, “if I do this, will I feel better or worse after?” Only you can answer those questions honestly for yourself.
With all of this said, there may be a point when your relationship evolves, you are sharing authentically and with clear intention, and with discernment and discretion. Your love map is growing and you feel a deepening connection with that person. And then all of a sudden, you are being judged, criticized or rejected. This is another painful lesson, but ultimately a good sign. That person is telling you that they are not your person, they are not safe, and you cannot trust them. That is not the person you need to be sharing yourself with. Look back and see if there were signs, blindspots, or a growth edge to lean into. But, at the end of the day, sometimes a person is just not your person - and that’s okay!
For myself, dating after inpatient rehab for alcohol and sex addiction felt like a formidable task. I had extensive guarding around my heart from my adverse childhood experiences and self-inflicted wounding. In rehab, I was disarmed of all previous tactics and strategems. The armor I removed would have been so easy to throw back up to avoid sharing the ugliness of my past. I had to find a balance, timing, and cadence of how I shared and how much I shared about myself. This was my discernment in practice. Sometimes it was awkward, sharing the most intimate details of my past life only to be rejected. However, I refused to jeopardize my integrity by lying about my past when asked - and that was okay. I shared from a place of peace - peace with myself and forgiveness of my actions - and my intentions were pure. There were substantially more times where I shared my story and was met with acceptance, empathy, and compassion. These moments were the ones that helped reaffirm my belief that people are caring, empathetic and understanding. It is worth the risk to develop safety and trust with new people when we are whole on the inside and in a position to trust ourselves.
When I finally met my life partner, whom I am engaged to now, we set up requirements to help establish a foundation of trust and safety. They were: 1) no aggression, 2) transparency and honesty on all things, and 3) planning how we would fight, if we did. When we made this agreement, we accepted each other's ground rules and could show up whole and complete. Every time we reinforced this commitment, we strengthened our container of trust and security. It is from this foundation that we’ve been able to co-create a love far beyond our wildest dreams. And, that is possible for you, too!
With love and light,
John Moos, MD